Lost

Lost

Postby Challenge » Fri Dec 29, 2017 3:04 am

Haunted every night I am unable to sleep.

I sit, or lay awake, ironically paralyzed. Thinking about how powerless I am to change my life. Dreaming of all the people I want to be and things I want to experience. Thinking of how I want to live my life.

And then looking at my current life and how far I am from it.

Desperate comes close to describing the feeling. Like I am "missing out."

It's why I don't sleep. Its why I work work work. It's why I never quit when I should and why I always go the extra mile.

Anything to escape the feeling that I'm not doing enough. That I'm left out.

I'm still making up for all I never had in high school and college. Endless amounts of opportunities, wasted.

And I will forever feel like I am left out, like those kids are always knowing something I don't.

I can go out to parties or bars and I feel the same way. Like I skipped an extremely important part of my development.

Like I am an outsider, a different species.

It tears me apart. Sometimes I cannot act because I bind the energy wondering how I should act. What to do to move forward.

See, I don't wanna move forward. I wanna move BACKWARD.

I want all that I never had. I want the lives I'm not leading. I want all the dreams to come to life. I want to stop being haunted by the specters of what I could have and actually realize it.

But HOW. What more do I have to do, I cry into the night. What more do you want from me?

I'm busy just trying to SURVIVE, just trying to make it and here I am dreaming of everything but what's right in front of me.

Sometimes, like now, I am terrified of the feelings. My eyes are wide and I go between tears and rage.

Always on the verge, on the edge.

Waiting for the NEXT STEP. some revelation, some act that will finally CHANGE me and stop my inaction, and bust out of my prison cell.

I've been in hell, in prison too long. I want to escape.

I started crying upon writing "prison cell." I'm an animal.locked in a cage. A leader with nothing to lead. A dreamer who can't realize his dreams.

Something is MISSING.

I am missing something BIG. Some giant piece of the puzzle I am denying.

What the fuck is it? What the fuck else do I have to do?

HELP.
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Re: Lost

Postby Immortalis Animus » Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:50 am

Challenge wrote:Haunted every night I am unable to sleep.


Most true seekers are insomniacs at one level or another.

Challenge wrote:I sit, or lay awake, ironically paralyzed. Thinking about how powerless I am to change my life. Dreaming of all the people I want to be and things I want to experience. Thinking of how I want to live my life.


A question to ask your sleepless self. Is this a manner of setting your Intent (who/what you want to be) or is it essentially grieving over what might be called your "past life" that didn't go where you wanted it to go? If it didn't go where you wanted it to go, it might be important to know why. Then again, it might not be important at all, since Time is the first fundamental lie and even the past can be manipulated through retroactive enchantment. How? Through intent in the Now.

Challenge wrote:And then looking at my current life and how far I am from it.


Another important question - one of utmost importance, in fact. At some point, have you made a pact with your Other to bring you to enlightenment and immortality "no matter what it takes"? If so, then it could well be that your Other is at the helm even when you want-to-believe you are in control. Pacts made with the Other don't contain polite courtesies. If you have given him/her carte blanche, you may discover that what you THINK you want isn't in alignment with whatever agreement you made with your twin. Not all seekers make a pact with their twin. Most do. I strongly suspect you are one who did. The ironic thing is that those who do make pacts with their twin are generally those with the strongest desire to succeed in attaining the immortal condition, but also those who have the strongest desire to succeed in the material world. Sometimes the two can work together. Often they are in direct conflict. Something to consider.

Challenge wrote:Desperate comes close to describing the feeling. Like I am "missing out."


Missing out... on what? Important to know the answer. What is it you WANT that you don't feel you are getting? A wife? Children? A better job? A nicer house? A new car? What do you WANT? If you know, that's good. If you don't, it's where you need to start.

Challenge wrote:It's why I don't sleep. Its why I work work work. It's why I never quit when I should and why I always go the extra mile.

Anything to escape the feeling that I'm not doing enough. That I'm left out.

I'm still making up for all I never had in high school and college. Endless amounts of opportunities, wasted.

And I will forever feel like I am left out, like those kids are always knowing something I don't.


You remind me here of Cypher from The Matrix. You want the juicy steak, even though YOU know it is an illusion. What "those kids" have that you don't is the comfort of the illusion. IF that is what you really want, you can't be on this path. I think it is something many long for, but in the same way many long for the illusion put forth in a Norman Rockwell painting. If you HAD it, you'd be bored to death. Literally. To death.

Challenge wrote:I can go out to parties or bars and I feel the same way. Like I skipped an extremely important part of my development.

Like I am an outsider, a different species.


You are. It is my belief based upon a long, long lifetime of observation that there are at least two or three separate species of "humans" on Planet Earth. The fact that they look more or less identical is irrelevant. Some are awake. Others will never wake up. And there is a third species that is like a hybrid between the two (the missing link). Unless you are 100% a card-carrying member of group #2 (those who will never wake up), you will never be content. That hurts. It's also what separates you from the masses. If you are a red balloon, you can't be a green balloon. Even though all things are possible, some things are extremely unlikely.

Challenge wrote:It tears me apart. Sometimes I cannot act because I bind the energy wondering how I should act. What to do to move forward.

See, I don't wanna move forward. I wanna move BACKWARD.

I want all that I never had. I want the lives I'm not leading. I want all the dreams to come to life. I want to stop being haunted by the specters of what I could have and actually realize it.


I'd be curious to know what life you wanted that you aren't leading? The same question arises again and again. What do you really WANT? Why do you want it? You already know that most of what the phantoms "have" is largely illusion. What aspect of that is calling to you?

Challenge wrote:But HOW. What more do I have to do, I cry into the night. What more do you want from me?


It wants your soul. I mean that quite literally. The Matrix wants you to abandon this path, stop chasing after your dreams (whether mundane or mystical) and be a good little battery in service to the machine. IF you are willing to do that, you will have peace. You will have the juicy steak and all the perks that go with it. But it will be fleeting, transitory, and the ugly truth is that you will remember what you gave up to have what you think you want. Only you can answer the question: is it worth the price?

Challenge wrote:I'm busy just trying to SURVIVE, just trying to make it and here I am dreaming of everything but what's right in front of me.


I've said many times - a seeker has to BE the path rather than attempting to be ON a path. It is something that is with you in everything you do. If it isn't, you have defined the conflict.

Challenge wrote:Sometimes, like now, I am terrified of the feelings. My eyes are wide and I go between tears and rage.

Always on the verge, on the edge.

Waiting for the NEXT STEP. some revelation, some act that will finally CHANGE me and stop my inaction, and bust out of my prison cell.

I've been in hell, in prison too long. I want to escape.

I started crying upon writing "prison cell." I'm an animal.locked in a cage. A leader with nothing to lead. A dreamer who can't realize his dreams.

Something is MISSING.

I am missing something BIG. Some giant piece of the puzzle I am denying.

What the fuck is it? What the fuck else do I have to do?


This may be far too simple, but have you REALLY defined your dreams? If you have, then you might have to ask yourself another ugly question: are they "realistic" when cast in the light of your own abilities? Meaning - a lot of people dream of being a rock star, but most of them can't sing, dance or play a single chord on the guitar. Yes, anything is possible (Mikal is repeating himself again), but it isn't likely one will become a rock star with absolutely NO ability unless one is Justin Bieber (and trust me - that is NOT what you want).

Darkly everafter,
M
You have to be immortal before you can know how to become immortal.

To understand more about attaining the immortal condition, order my books...
Teachings of the Immortals and The Darker Teachings
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Re: Lost

Postby Challenge » Sat Dec 30, 2017 2:03 am

Oops. Please see pm mikal.
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